The Answer: A Lot
Now here’s the meat of the singleness sandwich: I had a lot of healing to do that no one but me would ever understand. Because like the regular emotional onion we all are, I had more layers of sh*t to deal with than I could have imagined.
Trauma from childhood. Watching the mental deterioration of an 88-year-old man creating a toxic living environment and a not great example of a functioning relationship (because dementia changes the game). Sorting through the web of what churches teach young women to believe about themselves, their bodies, sex, and everything else. Aka putting myself through my own personal therapy.
This isn’t to say that anything in particular thing was any one person’s fault. But so often we go through things that we can’t always distance ourselves from or we won’t be able to deal with until we’re on the other side. We don’t know we’re struggling because we’re too deep in it.
Yet with everything whether it’s a relationship, friendship, or encounter, we go in with our own expectations based on past experience. Good or bad we carry it with us. And until we can acknowledge we’re traded in our skinny jeans for cargo pants to accommodate our crap, we’ll never realize what we’re doing. The good news is: we don’t have to live this way forever. We can choose to heal.
It wasn’t until a conversation I had with a friend last year that I realized why I had such a hard time going deeper with female friendships & trusting those around me to support me emotionally. And it was because I was still playing out an emotional trauma from my childhood. Something that happened when I was 7 set the groundwork for 20+ years of misaligned friendships and I had no clue. I know the same could be said of other relationships for me. But the only person that could do something about that was me. And healing takes time my friends.
9 Years Later
So here we are. In a very Endgame style time jump, we’ve gone 9 years into the future. Probably a good 8 since I heard that sermon. And I’m still single. I’ve still chosen to remain single despite the million questions, turning 30, worrying about fertility, and everyone else’s opinions on when I should marry someone because guess what: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE SINGLE FOR AS LONG AS YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.
If you want babies, awesome. If you don’t, that’s cool too. If you want to be CEO, mom and fly to the moon, even better. *but I’d like to talk more about this moon thing because I’ve got questions*
The point is that singleness is not a problem that needs to be solved. And the longer you treat it as a problem rather than a season, the farther you’ll get from enjoying your life. Because guess what: you’re not suddenly going to be happy because you’re married. The current length of the average marriage in the US is 8.2 years. Need I say more?