DID WE REALLY NEED AN IT ENDS WITH US MOVIE?
Of all of the movies I’ve felt conflicted about watching, there was something about It Ends With Us. The press drama, the obsession fans seem to have with Colleen & her work, the cast choice, the director choice, etc. It left me feeling like I needed to look deeper.
Like many, my first impression was do we really need to take a book that talks about domestic violence and turn it into a movie? Do we really need to SEE that? And truthfully, there are many stories that depict complicated emotions and experiences. And turn them into something that is easy for people to romanticize. I often think of 13 Reasons Why that way. But that’s another day, another blog post, and a whole other discussion.
Now before we get into today’s chat let me give the full disclaimer. I have not read the books. I don’t plan to (unless you babes tell me otherwise). And I don’t think it’s necessary for the purpose of today’s conversation. The topic of a romance novel with stronger ties to domestic violence was a major turn off for me in reading the book as well as other personal reasons. But I’ve seen the movie. I have thoughts. So let’s process it together. Did we really need an It Ends With Us adapted into a movie?
My Take On What This Story Is About
Lily, a young, lonely girl meets a boy, Atlas during a particularly low time in his life. With only a short time until both are preparing to escape their hometown after high school, they fall in love. Lily with the boy who is a safe space for her to give her love and to feel safe in return. Atlas with the girl who saved his life in more ways than one. But when life, and Lily’s father’s tendency for violence separates the two of them, Lily and Atlas find themselves on different paths until life brings them back together.
What was my expectation going in?
Now here’s the thing – the marketing for the movie gave us something similar to the above version. Because the drive and desire for escapism is much stronger. Stronger than selling the girls you’re about to go watch a movie where a woman is abused and eventually finds her way out. But based on the intensity of the conversation around the internet I expected the DV aspect of the story to be a lot more intense.
*note: DV isn’t a strong trigger for me. So my scale for this is completely different than if you were to talk about suicide. This is by no means me dismissing the pain of what happens for survivors. We all have our areas. I just happen to be less familiar with this one up close
Most of the stories we’ve seen depicting domestic violence have been moments of one spouse hitting the other and then them immediately leaving. Or on the other end, where it’s an episode of a procedural/crime show. Here, the bruising/blood is intense, the acts are life threatening and the woman getting away is often nearly impossible. Sometimes, even filled with elevated acts of violence because she got away. Based on the way the internet was chatting, I’d expected more of the latter. (Ex. of the latter being Safe Haven – Julianne Hough, Josh Duhamel, 9-1-1 – Story line feat. Jennifer Love Hewitt)
The actual violence was about 10% of what we are visually seeing. Maybe 15% if you add in the DV with Lily’s parents. So I spent most of the movie almost waiting for the other shoe to drop or for it to escalate. Which is a big reason why I’m writing today’s post.
Why it’s important that we do show domestic violence in film & television?
I don’t think it’s as easy as saying there are things we can’t show on tv or in movies because “then we will give people the idea to do something they wouldn’t have done before”. There’s a fine line between planting an idea in someone’s brain and bringing the conversation about something that happens in the shadows into the light. And in the case with It Ends With Us, the way DV was portrayed (mostly) really shows the way it can seem so innocent in the moment.
Easy to dismiss. Easy to justify. Easy to lie about. Easy to ignore. Until everything easy becomes hard.
So when you see the scenes again toward the latter part of the movie when Lily has had space from it. She’s moved out. She’s protecting herself and her future child. She’s confronting Ryle’s about his choices. There’s no denying the intention behind Ryle’s choices. Because she can no longer deny them, we as an audience are seeing things in a new way.
In the literal sense because we are getting a new version of the scenes but also in a way where there’s a new understanding for how quietly domestic violence happens. Despite the way film & television have previously shown us it occurs.
Did they market this right?
It feels like there’s a million sides to this story. And whatever messiness happened behind the scenes definitely leaked into the conversation around this movie. In some ways, it created a lot more natural buzz and conversation which means more people (like me) chose to see this movie.
I think most of us would acknowledge that there was a better way to go about things even if we don’t know what those things were. But my hope for this is that because of the lack of conversation about domestic violence prior to going in, the women who needed the story but wouldn’t have chosen to see it because they weren’t ready to have that conversation internally chose to see it and it changed their lives in a good way. I’ve seen many tiktoks of women saying it did have that exact impact.
Do we really need an It Ends With Us Movie?
There was an interview with Gina Rodriquez years ago while doing Jane The Virgin where she makes the point to say that while they are telling a Latina story, this one show is never going to represent the entire Latina experience. And I think about this often.
Because on one hand, there is not one singular version of DV. We’ve seen many portrayed on screen over the years. We even get the conversation between Lily and her mother asking why she never left. And for Lily’s mom it was easier to stay. Likely because she felt the violence would have escalated to a point that cost her her life.
However, I don’t think it’s fair to put all the weight of a story that is so complicated and varied onto one movie. Yes, there are SO many woman who find that leaving makes it worse and it costs them their lives. We need to tell that story.
But if we never give the women who are looking for hope of a sign that there’s way out this movie where she does leave and it is okay, how many women will never feel brave enough to try? How many women will never see their relationship as domestic abuse because it’s still easy to dismiss, easy to ignore and they’ve become fully isolated over time/because of their partner?
Where did it go wrong?
If you saw the recent Call Her Daddy episode with Chris Olsen, they discuss his recent privacy violation and the way he was advised by his team to handle it. The majority of the time, the PR move is for everyone to stay silent.
That felt like the wrong call for It Ends With Us. Do I feel like not talking about the elephant in the room was the vibe? Absolutely not. There’s a part of me that wonders if no matter what was said the internet had picked a side and no one would be heard regardless.
Does it feel like there’s a point in the press train where you start having the conversation about domestic violence and using your platform to empower women who feel scared, hopeless, and trapped? Yes. In the place in my mind that has all the answers, you find a way to do both.
You draw the people in who will see a beautiful directed, acted, lit and shot movie that layers the complexities of what we believe and what is real. You get the people who have never seen domestic violence up close or in a more subtle way and suddenly they have a new perspective & empathy for others. And you find a way to also have a conversation about a sensitive topic that doesn’t look like you’re pretending to ignore that it’s a big dang deal and a HUGE part of what makes this movie.
my brain has yet to find the solution to how all that mold together but there’s a version where we accomplish all of the things out there
Do I think you should see It Ends With Us?
Yes, I do. I honestly will probably watch it again. There was so much I didn’t catch the first time with Justin’s editing and directorial choices that added to how you really see this movie. But I do think there’s got to be a better way to do trigger warnings before movies. Even if it’s just showing the rating card before the movie to remind everyone of what they are watching. We do it on tv. Why not movies?
However, I’m curious to know what you think. Did you watch it? Are you skipping it? What stuck out to you about everything? (without bashing any humans because we’re not here for hate)
If you like this post and want to read more reviews, be sure to sign up for the newsletter so you never miss a thing. I finished Emily In Paris Season 4 last night so I’m sure to be dissecting that soon for you. Until next time. Xoxo, Savvy
