I thought I was done being tough love Savvy. I mean, it’s been a minute since we’ve sat in this space for this kind of conversation. But then I remember just how powerful it is when someone cuts through the BS for me.
Yes, I love learning things but honestly, when someone can just tell me yes you should do this instead of asking what I’m thinking, I’m GRATEFUL.
Sometimes you just need to hear it clearly, concisely, and to take the hit so you can stop pretending there’s room to believe anything different.
The Real Reasons You Keep Losing Friendships
There are reasons you keep losing friendships. There’s a reason you feel like you don’t fit in. There’s a reason you feel like you’re asking for too much or you worry “will this be it?” Is this the thing that finally ends us?
We have a lot to talk about ahead. But I think you’ll find answers on the other side. So grab your tea, get cozy, and let’s dive in. Tough love, Savvy has come back for the day.
You’ve Abandoned Yourself Repeatedly, So You Expect Everyone Else To Do It
Ouch. Here’s the thing: not all things are meant to be what you need in all seasons. And there are times when you are simply surviving. Getting one foot in front of the other is all you have space for.
But it becomes a problem when it’s no longer a season and now it’s a standard.
You don’t keep promises to yourself, so why do you expect anyone else to do it?
Our subconscious can be a little bit of a witch, can’t she?
Now this shows up in all kinds of ways. We set goals but only half commit to them. We seek comfort and peace over growth and new situations. We’ve taught ourselves it’s okay to say we’re going to do something but not follow through on it.
You’ve quietly set the standard that accountability, promises and respect mean nothing. And now your subconscious filters everything through this.
Your mind hears the words coming out of your mouth, even if you think they are no big deal.
You’ve Been Taught Unconditional Love Comes With Conditions
I posted this scene from Doc Season 1 the other day. You can watch it on shorts. And it’s one of the best ways I’ve ever heard someone describe unconditional love. Because as someone who grew up in a religious background, unconditional love felt very conditional.
There was a lot of “you love me unless this” in my world. Whether it was things I was experiencing personally or watching countless friends come out to their parents & friends, only to feel shunned.
When someone teaches us that love is unconditional but treats it as something fragile, it changes how we believe we deserve and can receive love.
I won’t pretend this is an easy one to overcome. You might need a therapist, a coach, and then some. I’ve used all of the above at some point. But what it really came down to for me was everything I give you in 75 Love.
For me, it was a process (that’s still ongoing) to learn this. To sit in the things that made me feel uncomfortable. I also stopped expecting anyone else to love me when I didn’t feel worthy of my own love. To recognize that I had SO many conditions on love (even though I told myself otherwise).
If you’ve only ever known love and friendship as something conditional, it can feel overwhelming and frankly, hard to accept someone else’s love. Someone may say they love you, but it feels like one good gust of wind will blow it away.
I feel like I could speak on Unconditional Love for ages so stay tuned for a future blog post.
You Were Taught To Believe In Family Loyalty, Not Chosen Family (Or Friends)
There are times when you look at a limiting belief, know that it doesn’t have to be true, and still you can’t get yourself to shift past it. And for the longest time, this was me with friendship. I’d had an endless pattern of friends who either were no longer a match for me anymore or came in before I’d really dug into my healing journey or just this strong urge to run.
I don’t think you have to lose everyone just because you decide to heal yourself. But I have found with some friendships, it’s hard to actually heal when your friends are still so very stuck. And space is required for you to both move forward (and maybe back together again).
It’s very much a put your oxygen mask on first situation.
“Family is forever. Blood is loyalty.”
Here’s the thing about this belief: it feels so insanely normal. I’m from the South, and I feel like I was raised on the idea that family is where you always stay loyal. And yet I’ve watched how that’s destroyed people inside my family. I’ve watched my family implode more than once.
The idea of choosing to stay loyal to blood can start to feel a bit crazy. But when your brain is set on the belief, you have no choice but to live your life in accordance with it until you change it. Until you can get your brain to accept a new belief.
So how do you break the cycle?
Now I’ll be quite honest in saying, I was desperate to break this belief & divine intervention was required. Because I’ve spent so long living with the idea of “you always lose people so you can move forward”. Or “You can’t keep the same people when you level up.”
And yet I knew in my soul that it didn’t feel right. I knew in my soul I’d found friends I could have for life (with room for more). But I couldn’t get my body and nervous system over the hump.
If you follow me on socials, you’ll know I fell down the FamilySearch rabbit hole a few months ago. So on my birthday this year, I finally convinced my best friend to sign up. It takes a minute and it’s free. On a whim, I decided to search someone from my family line on her account just to see if they would come up.
It won’t let you look at people who are living but you grandparents are typically a good start. And what do you know, my best friend is also my 11th cousin 4x removed.
Did this change anything for us? Jokingly, yes. We share the same name, people often ask if we’re sisters, and we answer in unison a lot. So it just adds to the joke. But it also felt like someone deflated the breath we were trying to hold. Because everything no longer felt so fragile.
We believed so strongly that family is always loyal that hearing we were related (even if it’s SO far off) gave us freedom.
I’m not saying you need to vet your friends via familysearch. But it’s a reminder that sometimes we underestimate our limiting beliefs and the power they hold.
You’re Choosing Friends From Your Pain Because Your Soul Wants To Fix It
A few years ago, when I moved back to my hometown after being away for 8 years, I found myself in need of a new friend group. Now at the time, I didn’t think too much of it. I wasn’t particularly looking to put down roots. But I knew I couldn’t be isolated in my life as a caretaker.
And I thought, I’ll make friends. I’ll stay busy. It will be fine.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that I attracting two things to me: the people I needed at the time and the people who were a reflection of my pain.
When I started learning more about manifesting, I embraced the idea of overflow. Of the things we give from a space of having enough that we can give more – not the part we give out of a need to receive. And when I started paying attention to how I was showing up from overflow vs need, well it was eye opening.
I started asking myself: do I feel like I’m just convenient or do I feel like I’m someone they seek out? Does it feel like they come into my world or am I always meeting them in theirs? Do I know their families and do I feel welcomed by them?
Am I doing this because I want to or because it feels expected of me?
Slowly but surely I noticed patterns of where I thought if this person that the world seems to love, who has it so easy, if they like me, surely I’ll be worthy of love. Surely this will work out for me. I went above and beyond for friends who were only ever kind of there for me. I stood in rooms for the biggest days of their lives thinking I feel so used right now. Nothing about this feels good to me.
But subconsciously, I wanted to be loved. More important, I wanted to FEEL loved And that was some deep healing that required a lot of effort from me (a ton of tears) and essentially created 75 Love.
You Do Everything You Can To Avoid Spending Time With Yourself
I grew up as an only child and you’d think that I’d be familiar with spending time alone. But spending time with yourself (your thoughts, your fears, your feelings) and spending time with a book/tv show/movie are not the same. And trust me, there is room for both and both are necessary.
I don’t think it will shock anyone to read that I’m great at analyzing the thoughts behind things. As the therapist friend, I can help you process your feelings. By poking at the layers, I can guide you in understanding where they might have come from.
But what I can’t make you, and what I couldn’t make myself do for the longest time, is to sit in my feelings.
It’s about being uncomfortable and sitting in it. Instead of trying to identify the emotion, simply give it your presence. You can be someone who is thinking and feeling, choosing to separate the two when necessary.
It’s okay, no one ever taught you to so why would you know how to do this?
When I first started doing this work, I didn’t know the difference between a limiting belief and how I was triggering trauma in my subconscious. I created boundaries to process my feelings on purpose, and doing so taught me to trust myself.
As a person who lost a parent to suicide, there is a part of me that is TERRIFIED of my mind.
And I recognize that fear and lovingly support myself with the people and structures I need to help me process and move forward.
So here’s what I’ll tell you: it’s not easy to do this work. I can tell you that finding the right people to help you process things can be incredibly helpful. But also it’s important to be an authority in your life & to find where you aren’t always looking outside of yourself to validate your feelings and needs all of the time.
Give yourself permission to get quiet. If it’s new, don’t put pressure on it. And what you need might change as you continue to go through life.
I’d recommend this youtube channel for meditations, Gabby Bernstein’s book Self Help and of course, 75 Love.
For now, I’ll leave you with this.
If you find yourself in a lot of pain reading this post, I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I truly am. If I could reach in and help give you & your inner child the hug & validation they need, I truly would. From the bottom of my heart, I am sending you so much love and space for healing.
If this feels like too much for you, I get it. I really freaking get it. I might have resisted digging into the work required, but I can tell you—finding the humans on the other side makes it worth it. The love that you have for YOURSELF, it will transform you.
You showing, asking questions and willing to dig in helps you make room for the love you’ve actually always wanted. For the healing you deserve. And for that little girl (boy or non-binary kid) to finally have the safe space they’ve always longed for. They have you and no one will ever love them better.
Until next time. You are so very loved and so very welcome here. Xoxo, Savvy
