When I was in my early 20s, I don’t think I would have even thought it was an option to say no to being a bridesmaid. No? Really? It would have blown my mind. But with age comes wisdom, and after having been a bridesmaid 5+ times and maid of honor twice (plus attending countless weddings and being there for all the events for friends who didn’t want a wedding party but wanted all the traditions), it’s safe to say I’ve seen and learned A LOT.
So how do you know if you should say yes to being a bridesmaid? Inevitably, it’s going to be a gut call. I think you’ll know what you need to do regardless of what I tell you today. And sometimes even then, if it’s a no but you can’t explain it, the universe tends to help you understand why at a later date. But that being said. . .
If you’re reading this, I imagine you’re a good friend. You realize that saying yes to being a bridesmaid isn’t really just putting on the dress and standing next to your friend at her wedding. It’s a time commitment. It’s a financial commitment. And even more so, it’s an emotional commitment to stand by someone you love’s side on a day that tends to be high stress for many women, men, and their close families.
How To Know If You Should Say Yes To Being A Bridesmaid
What’s Expected As A Bridesmaid
I’ll say it 100 times: EVERY bride is different. Knowing your bride’s expectations is key, but a bride doesn’t truly know how to be a bride until it’s her turn.
Some brides like to do it all themselves and just want someone to help occasionally. Others have BIG visions and expect their bridal party to help execute them. Every. Bride. Is. Different.
Your responsibilities can vary too. You might only be needed for the day and rehearsal dinner, or you might be helping with wedding showers, dress shopping, and tastings. The bachelorette is often a given — for inspiration, check out this Nashville bachelorette guide — but your bride will know if taking a trip outside the wedding is realistic for you.
Clarifying all this early is important.
But the biggest part of being a bridesmaid is the wedding day. You’re the emotional support for your friend — helping relieve stress, cracking jokes to keep spirits high, or just being there when things get hectic.
You might wrangle family members who don’t know boundaries, watch over a groomsman who’s had one too many drinks, or help with makeup. Whatever the task, your goal is to make your bride’s day easier, more stress-free, and full of happy memories.
How Much Does It Cost To Be A Bridesmaid
I’ll give you a thoughtful way to ask the cost of saying yes financially in a moment, but let’s talk about all the little things that can add up (not all of these are guaranteed but it’s worth asking/knowing about):
- bridesmaid dress
- travel to and from the wedding
- hotel rooms/lodging
- food outside of wedding events
- rental cars/ubers
- wedding presents
- hair & makeup for the event
- new shoes for your bridesmaid dress
- travel cost to attend wedding showers
- travel cost plus food + event costs for the bachelorette party
What To Ask The Bride Before You Say Yes Or No
As with most of life, you don’t know what you don’t know. And often, we don’t realize until we get there how our loved ones will behave when managing everyone’s expectations for a big event in their life. Moms, dads, grandparents, and friends all have visions of how they want to see their loved one get married, and that weight can be heavy.
If your bride has never been a bridesmaid before, she also doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. The best way to be the support she needs is to ask thoughtful questions, both to her and yourself:
- What do you anticipate being most stressed about on your wedding day? How can I help make it easier?
- What are your financial expectations for me? (You could text: “I’d love to be a bridesmaid but want to make sure we’re on the same page financially so I can plan and be part of making this a beautiful experience. Could you share your budget expectations for me?”)
Keep in mind, EVERY wedding is different. Last-minute changes, like bachelorette party dropouts, can increase individual costs. We’ll cover how to prepare and know what you’re comfortable investing financially in a moment.
Other questions to ask the bride:
- Will you have a wedding planner or coordinator? This affects stress levels and the day’s flow.
- How much of the wedding will be DIY? She may expect your help with flowers, displays, or decorations.
- Who will be setting up on the day? Knowing this ahead of time helps you plan your energy.
Being proactive with these questions ensures you’re ready to be the bridesmaid she truly needs.
What To Ask Yourself Before You Say Yes
If I could go back and give myself any advice before ever being a bridesmaid, it would be to know what your needs and boundaries are so you can be sure that you’re capable of showing up in the best way to support your friend during this time.
Every situation is different and you might find that while your answer to these questions doesn’t seem like it helps you decipher an easy yes or no, it’s helpful to let yourself see your honest feelings so you can make better decisions. And sometimes, even acknowledging what you weren’t aware of can help resolve the issue itself.
Ask Yourself The Following Before Saying Yes To Being A Bridesmaid:
- does this financially work for my life right now?
- am I okay with committing to all of this financially or do I need to be honest about which parts will and won’t work for me? *see note below
- do I have the emotional bandwidth to take this on right now? if not, why? (you might find that acknowledging this helps you shift problems off your plate you didn’t realize were problems)
- do I have the time for everything that will be asked of me and/or can I make the time?
Aside from time, the biggest issues I’ve seen with weddings often come back to finances. And given that 99% of people won’t realize this is a conversation that they need to have with themselves ahead of time, it ends up causing stress and strain on relationships for the bride, bridesmaid, and maid of honor. If your bride wants to do something that has been her dream for years but doesn’t financially work for a lot of her bridal party, she should know upfront. This lets her adjust accordingly and doesn’t create strife and moaning within the group when people start bailing at the last minute because they realize they can’t afford it.
How To Be The Best Bridesmaid Possible
Don’t be the reason your bride is stressed. Meaning, you should be on time and prepared.
Don’t put things off until the last minute. Time always feels precious in the 48 hours around the wedding.
Don’t try some crazy new hair style or wild nail color right before the wedding (unless your bride is good with that).
Be a good communicator. Your bride will have 100s of people to deal with and track down. Make sure even if it’s assumed you’re communicating.
Don’t ignore the maid of honor. Chances are she is taking on several big things to help make it easier for the bride and the last thing the MOH wants is to have to bug the bride because people haven’t paid for bachelorette things or questions that need to be answered are being ignored.
Strive to Be the Bridesmaid Everyone Loves
I could go on but I will leave you with this. Being a bridesmaid is a privilege but I’ve seen both versions. I’ve been in the wedding party was it was all easy, breezy beautiful. And I’ve been in the wedding party where in the weeks before the bride was so stressed by her group that she was tempted to no longer have half of them. Try to be the first version.
If you want more tips to shine as a bridesmaid, check out this guide.
If you guys would like a packing list of my must-have essentials for bridesmaid duty, let me know in the comments below. But for now, sending you all the love this week. Xoxo, Savvy
