There was a point in my life when I would have given anything not to be single. To be one half of a whole. To feel justified, safe and worthy because I was someone in a relationship. Oh, sweet baby Savvy how you’ve grown.
I would have told you that being single was a gift or that I didn’t want to date anyone in my hometown as I wasn’t planning to stay here. Both were true to some degree, but they were never really the answer to today’s question: how to be single when you don’t want to be single.
How To Be Single When You Don’t Want To Be Single
So here’s the heart of the matter. We get to define what being single means to us. We get to define how this season will play out in our lives. Will it be a few months or 10 years (🙋🏼♀️)? We get to decide. But first, we have to get clear on what we want from this time in our lives. Let’s start there, shall we?
Being Single Means Understanding What It Feels Like For You To Be Supported
My favorite thing about being single, when we’re intentional about it, is that we can start to define life on our own terms. And for me, this often feels like – what is the most supported way I can do this? For example, during the month of December, I had weddings galore. I was maid of honor for one while 1/2 maid of honor for another all in the same week. Add in last-minute brand deals and a move across states, you can say I was a bit stressed.
Now, it’s very easy for me to go into the space of feeling like things are flying at me and I’m having to do everything alone. Thankfully, I’ve been diving into the work of what it feels like for me to be supported and I was able to ask for help. And in this case, I was able to set up a meal delivery service to help me keep my head above water.
Whether you’re someone who has a habit of jumping from relationship to relationship or you’ve been single for ages, the opportunity to feel like you have to do it all and/or own your own is always available. Sometimes it’s simply because we don’t know how to ask for help. Being single creates the opportunity to understand how you can be supported in all areas of your life.
Being Single Means Taking Time To Understand What You’re Attracting And What You Actually Want To Attract
Now over the last few months, I’ve really dived into the “energy” of things. And yes, we all know that it sounds a bit woo woo. If it freaks you out, just focus on the next bit. As I’ve been evaluating my friendships over the last few months, I’ve been focusing on how I feel coming out of certain conversations. I’ve been looking at the difference between certain friendships that have come into my life at different times. And I’ve begun to understand that the people I attracted at different points were very much a reflection of who I was at that time.
Simply put, the people I made friends with when I was in a more negative headspace tend to still have that energy vs those who I grew close with as I focused on changing my mindset.
Now I’ll be realistic and say it’s not exactly the most fun to dive into cleaning out friendships when you’re figuring out how to be single because it can often feel more isolating. However, those you are surrounded by are a good indicator of the type of person you attract. And if those people aren’t a reflection of who you’re looking to spend your life with, then it’s time to create some space and get a fresh perspective.
Being Single Means Learning What It Means To Date Yourself
When I started this year, I set the intention to date myself. Which on the surface, sounds a bit light-hearted. But as I’ve spent more time exploring the idea, I’ve really leaned into what is the experience someone else is getting as my partner. Am I the kind of person I would want to date?
In many ways, the answer to this is yes. But of course, there’s always the moments where we say – no I could be more supportive of myself in that area. Now I do also make time for weekly dates with myself – specifically with doing the things that scare me to do alone as I find it’s a great way to understand why I enjoy sharing that time with someone else. Still it’s quite a new experience if you’re coming from a how to be single when you don’t want to be single. Maybe singleness isn’t the problem, rather we haven’t begun to enjoy our own company.
Being Single Means Setting Boundaries That Support Your Mental Health
To me, boundaries often start as a line we draw in the sand. We know there’s a divide so we drag our foot to establish the line between us and them. But if we don’t reinforce that line with rocks and pebbles and maybe get out of the area altogether, we end up being washed out with the tide.
Sometimes the beauty of a relationship is that we get to grow in ways we never could have imagined. And other times, we find ourselves compromising in ways that take us far from our center. Being single gives us the opportunity to gain clarity on where we may need to redefine boundaries in our lives for our own happiness. In essence, it’s our season of team me (thanks Kim K).
Being Single Means Seeing Yourself As The Whole Package
Now let’s be real: we can all think of someone we know that doesn’t know how to be single. The idea of being alone is TERRIFYING to them. So when they search how to be single when you don’t want to be single, what they are really asking for is how do I not die alone.
Yet we forget or maybe never learned that we are enough. So instead of seeking to find someone to complete us, we take the time to understand everything we bring to the table. WE get to choose a partner. We get to say yes. We get to create a life with another human.
But what good is that life if we are constantly seeking validation from someone who could never make us feel good enough simply because we haven’t dealt with the lies that made us believe otherwise in the first place? Being single means knowing that you are the entire sundae and choosing to share that with someone else. Or keep it for yourself. Single’s choice.
Being Single Means Taking The Time To Work Through Unrealistic Expectations
So I mentioned this recently in a video that you’ll see tomorrow (hi Youtube fam!). But part of my healing journey over the last few months has included gaining clarity over why I want the things I want in a partner. And as Amanda Frances says, “Your desires are divine guidance.” I would also like to add that for the healing woman sometimes it’s important to come back to the table with a fine-tooth comb when your manifestations don’t seem to be coming through.
Now when I say unrealistic expectations, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t wish to marry Chris Evans. Please, do it so we can hear about your joy! What I do mean is when we desire only to marry a rich man but never realize it’s because we have been led to believe we were never worthy of earning money on our own or being successful. (Ps. Let me know in the comments below if you want a full blog post on how to dig into this)
Being Single Means Building The Foundation For A Relationship That Can Last A Lifetime
I recently heard someone say that the average person has three marriages but if they’re lucky they are married to the same person for all three. And it’s no secret that to be that lucky takes a lot of work as well as intention. So what if your time being single means you start the work now? You do the therapy. You heal the patterns. You get honest with yourself about needs you haven’t communicated in the past or haven’t felt like were met.
Maybe you even realize you’ve been settling. The partners you’ve chosen in the past were a foundation of quicksand but in reality, they made you feel safe because you never truly let them in. You dig DEEP into everything because while we can be lucky in relationships we can also choose how that luck is going to work for us.
Every moment. Every time it did work out. Every time it didn’t. It all happened for a reason. Sometimes because it was for our good. And other times because we didn’t believe we were worthy of it so it slipped away. But until we can be honest with ourselves with why those things happened to us, the foundation of our future is at risk. So maybe it’s time to fix yours.
Wherever you’re at in your journey, I hope you’ll know that being single isn’t a punishment. And while you may believe it’s anything but a gift, it’s always an opportunity even when you want to know how to be single when you don’t want to be single. It’s up to you to decide how this one plays out. Until next time. Xoxo, Savvy
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