Why I’ve Chosen To Be Single For 9 Years

Categories Life

It’s the week before Valentine’s Day. And as I look at my blog analytics, my last post on singleness is one of the most regularly read life posts on WSS. Truth be told, I haven’t held much back since I started online 5 years ago. And with each passing year, I find that I’m willing to share more simply because I know the power of a story. In this great big world, there’s something so incredible about feeling seen in a new way even if you can’t see the person on the other side of this. 

But alas, as we come into year 9 of my season of singleness, it felt time to write this. It felt time to confront this and to acknowledge what I think so many of you need to hear: singleness isn’t a disease you need to cure. There is nothing wrong with you because you’re single. And right now, you might have no idea why you’re single. Whether it’s an intentional choice or one you’d gladly give up, you want to enjoy your life but the pressure of the singleness box feels overwhelming. It needs to be cured or released. It needs to be solved.

Why I've Chosen To Stay Single For 9 Years #whatsavvysaid

But what if it doesn’t? What if your season of singleness, my season of singleness, the time any of us get to be single, is the greatest blessing to our lives and we didn’t know it? How would we live it differently?

WSS has always been place where I could write the things I would tell my younger self. It’s the words I once needed to hear or even the ones I feel like someone else might just need to get through their day. So today I’m going to share with you why I’ve chosen to stay single over the last 9 years. No, it’s not because I’m gay and haven’t come out. Yes, it’s because I’m picky as hell and we will get there. But for now, a pour a glass and join me friends. You are exactly where you’re meant to be in this moment. Let’s talk about why I chose to stay single, shall we?

MY LAST DATE

Now, if you’re doing the math on this, you’ll know that the last time I went on a date was in 2012. Aka my senior year of college. I’m not sure that I would call it much of a date. Rather, I would say I got bored and thought it would be fun to date-ish. Ladies, I know you know what I’m talking about.

Poor sweet baby Savvy knew so little about herself. The idea of unwrapping beliefs and understanding why I was the way I was wouldn’t take hold for a long time. And yet, I felt like I needed to date. To be whatever version of Southern class I needed to be at 21 I “should” be dating. Hell, I should have been engaged at that point. So what was I doing wrong? Absolutely nothing.

The Dream

Alas, I had absolutely no idea who I was or what I wanted. Granted I think this changes over the course of our lives as we come across new challenges and situations. Until my father passed, I had no idea the impact mental health & the conversations around it would have on my life. And now it’s the foundation of the next season of Youtube content.

So I graduated college, moved to Atlanta, and started down the path of what I thought I wanted: film. Now I don’t think it’s any big secret that film hours are crazy. If you’ve ever wondered why celebrities struggle to keep up with relationships, spend a day on set. You’ll know. 14-18 hour days with 300 people getting a minimum of sleep. It’s bananas. But it was my dream. And so I went for it, with everything I had.

Are You The Person The Person You’re Looking For Is Looking For?

But one day, one evening if I remember correctly, I was driving around Buckhead listening to a sermon courtesy of Buckhead church. Film hours made it almost impossible to get plugged in anywhere and I gave up quickly opting for sleep & the occasional car sermon. I’m a big believer that your relationship with God is the foundation for things. Community, when you can find the right one, is a bonus. But that’s another blog post.

As I was driving, I was listening to a college sermon about singleness and something the pastor said dug deep into my brain. So much so it’s probably a good portion of why I’ve chosen singleness time and time again over the last 9 years: 

Are you who the person you’re looking for is looking for?

And I thought no. Without hesitation, I knew I wasn’t that person if I was being honest. But then I had to ask myself: what does it take to become that person? And what am I willing to do to make that happen? 

Why I've Chosen To Stay Single For 9 Years #whatsavvysaid

The Answer: A Lot

Now here’s the meat of the singleness sandwich: I had a lot of healing to do that no one but me would ever understand. Because like the regular emotional onion we all are, I had more layers of sh*t to deal with than I could have imagined.

Trauma from childhood. Watching the mental deterioration of an 88-year-old man creating a toxic living environment and a not great example of a functioning relationship (because dementia changes the game). Sorting through the web of what churches teach young women to believe about themselves, their bodies, sex, and everything else. Aka putting myself through my own personal therapy.

This isn’t to say that anything in particular thing was any one person’s fault. But so often we go through things that we can’t always distance ourselves from or we won’t be able to deal with until we’re on the other side. We don’t know we’re struggling because we’re too deep in it.

The Upside

Yet with everything whether it’s a relationship, friendship, or encounter, we go in with our own expectations based on past experience. Good or bad we carry it with us. And until we can acknowledge we’re traded in our skinny jeans for cargo pants to accommodate our crap, we’ll never realize what we’re doing. The good news is: we don’t have to live this way forever. We can choose to heal

It wasn’t until a conversation I had with a friend last year that I realized why I had such a hard time going deeper with female friendships & trusting those around me to support me emotionally. And it was because I was still playing out an emotional trauma from my childhood. Something that happened when I was 7 set the groundwork for 20+ years of misaligned friendships and I had no clue. I know the same could be said of other relationships for me. But the only person that could do something about that was me.  And healing takes time my friends. 

9 Years Later

So here we are. In a very Endgame style time jump, we’ve gone 9 years into the future. Probably a good 8 since I heard that sermon. And I’m still single. I’ve still chosen to remain single despite the million questions, turning 30, worrying about fertility, and everyone else’s opinions on when I should marry someone because guess what: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE SINGLE FOR AS LONG AS YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.

If you want babies, awesome. If you don’t, that’s cool too. If you want to be CEO, mom and fly to the moon, even better. *but I’d like to talk more about this moon thing because I’ve got questions*

The point is that singleness is not a problem that needs to be solved. And the longer you treat it as a problem rather than a season, the farther you’ll get from enjoying your life. Because guess what: you’re not suddenly going to be happy because you’re married. The current length of the average marriage in the US is 8.2 years. Need I say more?

YOUR NEXT STEPS

Alas, I don’t believe in presenting a problem without offering some kind of solution. Remember being single isn’t the issue. But putting your life on hold is. So let’s talk about some of the things I’ve done over the last 9 years.

Take big trips with your girlfriends – I honestly cannot tell you how many of my girls have husbands who don’t love traveling. But they do so we make it happen. 

Freeze your eggs – If this is something you seriously want in the future, then look into it. It’s something I’ll most likely do in the next year for peace of mind. I’m also working on a blog post/podcast episode about how we can preserve fertility. So make sure you’re signed up for the newsletter or following on Instagram for when that drops.

Heal – I wish I could sit with you through this but just know you’re not alone. And on the other side, you’ll be better for it. Because you’ll know what you’re going into a relationship with and you’ll do better.

Date Yourself – I created a Valentine’s Day gift guide for exactly this reason. If I’m not setting the standard for how someone should date me by treating myself, then who will?

Give Yourself Permission To Enjoy This Time – Do I want a husband & family? Absolutely. But I don’t want to take away from the joy of living my life now because I’m treating it as not enough. Because I’m treating myself as not enough. Let yourself be happy. And know that it’s okay to enjoy all the seasons. Joy begets joys.

 

Wherever you’re at right now in your journey, I hope today’s post helped you. Whether you’re reading it on Valentine’s Day or another day of the year, I hope you’ll know your season of singleness has a purpose. You have a purpose. And you are so very worthy of love. Until next time. Xoxo, Savvy

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